TALES OF THE PHANTOM RACER... WILL THERE BE JOY AND A RETURN TO SOME FORM OF NORMALCY COME CHRISTMAS MORNING?!?...

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Break the conventional chains which bind you to the belief that the only things in this world that exist are those we're able to touch and see in daylight. Ever heard of quantum physics?- Many credible physicists and scientists from the world's most prestigious of learning institutions now believe that parallel universes exist all around us-- We are likely surrounded by spectacular space, time, energy, and matter anomalies that boggle the brain, proving that what was once thought to be fantasy and fiction, can now be believed as truth and fathomable fact... We offer you a slice of hard science, combined with sporadic sprinklings of paranormal phenomena, as we here at Drag Racing Underground, proudly present to you...TALES OF THE PHANTOM RACER...Step out of the narrow-minded mist that encircles those who wear their stagnate skepticism like an outdated peach-colored leisure suit, and allow yourself the freedom to follow the adventures of drag racing's infinite and most indestructible spirit of the afterlife... Pull up a chair, toss your inhibitions aside, and ride along with one Sebastian Conrad, strong spirited eternal speed freak extraordinaire. 


Last week's episode told of how our favorite metaphysical/afterlife drag racing dream team are together on Christmas Eve at their Heavenly Drag Racing Association sanctioned residence/racing compound. Fred The Wrench went into extreme convulsions after hearing leader Larry Lamb announce that the next matter of business on the team's agenda is preparing for Christmas... "AAAAARH!!!!" screamed out  Fred The Wrench "I-I-I CAN'T TAKE IT!!!! PLEASE DON'T LET CHRISTMAS COME AGAIN!!! CAN'T WE JUST GO TO THE DRAGS AND FORGET ABOUT CHRISTMAS?!?!... Fred  twisted his ample body into contortions and continued in a rage of sobbing anguish  "WHEN I WAS JUST SEVEN YEARS OLD BACK ON EARTH, IT WAS CHRISTMAS MORNING, MY FATHER, WHO WAS ALSO A MASTER MECHANIC, DISCOVERED THAT I LOST HIS FAVORITE PAIR OF PLIERS, WHEN ME AND MY FRIENDS BUILT A TREE HOUSE IN THE SUMMER--  MY DAD GREW FURIOUS, AND TOOK MY ONLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT, A 1/4 SCALE 'VISIBLE V8' MODEL KIT THAT I WANTED MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD, AND THREW IT IN OUR BURNING FIREPLACE AS PUNISHMENT FOR ME LOSING HIS PLIERS!!! THE VISIBLE V8 KIT WENT UP IN FLAMES AS I TEARFULLY WATCHED --  IT WAS THE WORST CHRISTMAS OF MY MORTAL LIFE!!!!! I'VE NEVER GOTTEN OVER THAT DAY -- NOW WHEN CHRISTMAS ROLLS AROUND EACH YEAR, EVEN HERE IN THE AFTERLIFE, ALL THAT MENTAL MISERY COMES BACK TO ME!!!!"...

"How do we make Fred's convulsions stop?!?" squawks Peter The Parrot... Maria replies  "I'm going to have to try using an ancient Mesopotamian metaphysical remedy for extreme mental duress that's called 'Butterfly Metamorphosis Therapy."... "YOU'RE GOING TO TRY TO TURN OUR FRUMPY FRED INTO A DELICATE BUTTERFLY?!?" squawks a befuddled Peter... "Yes, Peter," replies Maria, "though it does come with risk, if it doesn't work just right, we could completely lose Fred for all eternity."..."That's a risk we'll have to take." states Larry Lamb with stern authority... Maria says, "I will repeat a sacred chant, that will hopefully turn Fred first into an egg, then a larva, then a pupa, and then, God willing, into a beautiful butterfly, free of all mental trauma and stress, and full of only tranquil and healing peace of mind."... Maria begins to repeat the ancient metaphysical chant, "FOR OUR DEAREST FRIEND FRED, FOR THE UPCOMING CHRISTMAS DAY, LET HIS CHILDHOOD ANGUISH BE SENT FAR, FAR AWAY -- TRANSFORM HIS BODY, SPIRIT AND SOUL, INTO THE FOUR STAGES OF BUTTERFLY METAMORPHOSIS, LEAVING HIS CHILDHOOD GRIEF OUT TO THE COLD!!!!"(Maria repeats this chant at a louder and progressively faster pitch, multiple times, in a desperate attempt to eventually release Fred The Wrench from his gut-wrenching, emotionally-scarred, childhood induced, mentally debilitating pain!!!)...

After the tenth time of Maria repeating the chant, Fred's convulsions finally subside, and he lies on the floor completely motionless. A bright magenta beam of light flashes and engulfs Fred's human bodily form. Then the sound of a sweet chorus of angels, along with an echoing sound of distant nitro cackling, fills up the room. Fred then begins to shrink in size, and within seconds, he morphs into a small chrome-plated egg. Then, with another flash of bright magenta light, Fred then morphs into a larva. Then another flash of light appears, turning the larva into a pupa (or chrysalis as some people like to call it)..."There's only one more stage of metaphysical metamorphosis to go," says Maria with reserved optimism "and then Fred with be a stress-free butterfly!!"... "Will he be a big butterfly, since Fred was a big guy??" inquires Peter The Parrot... "No, Peter" replies Maria, "Fred will be made the normal size of a common butterfly."... "That's weird!!!" squawks Peter "I mean, I just can't imagine Fred being smaller than me!!!"...

THEN, the most intense of electrified magenta light fills the room in the wee hours of the night! The sound of a chorus of angels reaches a sustaining hum, and a distant echo of what sounds like a dozen nitro engines, cackling in perfectly-tuned harmony, blends in with the angels' soothing tones! KAAAABOOOM!!!! Fred The Wrench miraculously morphs from the pupa stage into a small, delicate and peaceful purple butterfly, and flies up onto one of the team's spare Chevy big blocks shelved in the shop! Everyone goes silent in awe, then they hear a high pitched voice come from the butterfly's tiny mouth "W-W-What is this?? I'm a butterfly?? H-H-How did this happen?? W-W-What happened to my body?? H-H-How come I sound different???...

Maria walks up to Fred The Wrench, who is now in blessed butterfly form, and says in a soft and loving manner "I used an ancient Mesopotamian metaphysical chant to bring you some much needed peace of mind for the Christmas, Fred."... Then there's a slight pause, and Fred in butterfly form replies, "This is all about me losing my dad's pliers when I was a kid, ain't it? A-A-And him then chucking my Visible V8 model kit Christmas present into the fireplace, ain't it?? I-I-I'm okay with that now, it doesn't seem to bother me anymore."...Maria looks at Fred in his butterfly form and smiles, as tears of joy roll down her cheeks... Peter The Parrot then discreetly squawks to himself, under his breath, out the side of his beak, so that the others can't hear him, "I still hope that we can eventually transform Fred back to being the old Fred we used to know, the big burly, overeating, cumbersome, wisecracking wrench of a man we all knew and loved. That's my only Christmas wish. That's my one and only true Christmas wish that this hot-rodding bird is so desperately, desperately praying for."... Christmas morning breaks and Fred The Wrench flaps his butterfly wings and says, "Now that I'm cured of my childhood Christmas trauma, could I please return to my frumpy, burly-guy, human bodily self???"... Sebastian looks at Maria and asks, "So what's the procedure for bringing Fred back to his old self??... "This is very risky," replies Maria, "it too requires an ancient Mesopotamian metaphysical chant, though if it doesn't work, not only will Fred remain a butterfly, but he will also lose all his valuable mechanical knowledge and know how!!'...

Maria musters all the metaphysical courage she possibly can and begins the chanting "THANK YOU SPIRITS FOR REMOVING FRED'S CHILDHOOD PAIN, BUT AS A DELICATE BUTTERFLY, HE DOES NOT WISH TO REMAIN, PLEASE TRANSFER HIM BACK TO HIS FRUMPY HUMAN PROPORTIONS AND FORM, WITH PEACE IN HIS HEART AND RETURN TO THE NORM!!!" (after the fifteenth repeating of the chant, what sounds like thousands of angels in a collective chorus, harking back to the dawn of creation, along with the sound of hundreds of nitro hemis cackling through the heavens, an all-encompassing  flash of magenta light blinds everyone for a few seconds)... Christmas morning has broken, and all the metaphysical dust has settled. All rub their eyes and try to get their visual bearings back... "IT'S FRED!!! IT'S THE OLD FRED!!! THE FAT, FRUMPY, SLOPPY FRED AGAIN!!!!" squawks an ecstatic  Peter The Parrot as Fred The Wrench stands before them, returned to human bodily form "MY CHRISTMAS WISH CAME TRUE!!! FRED HAS RETURNED TO BEING FRED!!!!"... Sebastian and Maria give Fred The Wrench a big hug. Even the usually reserved Larry Lamb can barely contain his excitement, and joins in for a group hug. Peter The Parrot scoots up on Fred's shoulder and gives him a big kiss with his beak... "THIS IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!" blurts Fred The Wrench "I'M CURED OF MY CHILDHOOD CHRISTMAS TRAUMA, AND I'M SURROUNDED BY MY LOVING DRAG RACING AFTERLIFE FAMILY!!!! YOU JUST CAN'T BEAT THIS!!!!"... Our group go on to spend the rest of the day celebrating the holiday in festive fashion, with magnificently-motivated-motorhead-merriment... Larry Lamb hooves it over to the crew's vintage Zenith console stereo, and puts on a cherished Christmas record by his favorite recording vocalist, Bing Crosby, (Larry likes the more traditional smooth crooners of popular music), and he then proceeds to hand out hefty Christmas presents to all his subordinates...


Yes, my dear friends, this is the mysterious mind-bending-hereafter rebirth, and puzzling parallel universe relocation of the bewildering being, energy, and entity we call THE PHANTOM RACER...  Well, it's good news that Maria's chanting did indeed successfully morph Fred The Wrench, from a violently convulsing, emotional wreck of a man, into a peaceful butterfly, and then, back to his old self, completely free of the trauma he had bottled up inside from when he was just a child on earth, and his father threw his 'Visible V8' Christmas present into the fireplace, as punishment for Fred losing his dad's favorite pair of pliers. THIS IS DEFINITELY A CHRISTMAS TALE WITH AN ENCHANTING ENDING!!! HOWEVER, AS WE ALL KNOW, THE GOOD TIMES DON'T USUALLY LAST VERY LONG 'ROUND THESE PARTS, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE EVIL FORCES OF THE DRAG RACING AFTERLIFE ARE ALWAYS SOMEHOW  LURKING IN THE SHADOWS!!!! WHERE IS THIS GOING?!?! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT?!?!?... What's in store for our drag racing paranormal dream team as they continue to embark on unpredictable drag racing adventures throughout the parallel universes??... Can they all hold it together and successfully champion the powers of good??... Or will they fall victim to evil entities they cannot control???... These are just a few of the mind-twisting questions to be answered in future action-packed episodes of TALES OF THE PHANTOM RACER!!... There's more paranormal mystical and maniacal drag race mayhem coming your way!!... You definitely do not want to miss it...

Stay tuned next Wednesday for a new chapter of the serial paranormal drama series we call TALES OF THE PHANTOM RACER... Be sure that YOU follow the story of Sebastian Conrad... Bookmark this page and BE HERE every Wednesday!!... You can read prior episodes of TALES OF THE PHANTOM RACER by simply clicking on the 'DOC'S BLOG' link that's conveniently located atop this page, and then scrolling to her Wednesday blog installments (because this series is published here each and every Wednesday). All characters appearing in this series are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. TALES OF THE PHANTOM RACER story and imagery are copyright 2017 DRAG RACING UNDERGROUND.