Posted by: lovely on Apr 20, 2017
Please meet Drag Racing Underground's NHRA race-winner-predicting-duo from Queens, New York. We'd like to introduce Franky & Felicia. They're a couple of sweethearts who have a love for drag racing, and have asked that we give them a shot at making race predictions. They persistently insisted to us that they have what it takes to get the job done. We're continuing to bring them to you now for their third season!! They definitely were not without controversy during their first two seasons!!... Feel free to send us your opinion of them by using the "Contact Us" link at the top of this page... For those of you missing Mike & Barbara, we regret to report that they've been cancelled... Without further ado, we proudly present to you Franky & Felicia and their NHRA predictions...
Franky: Yo! Me and my hot little lady are stoked 'bout giving youse our picks for this weekend's NHRA SpringNationals happening at Royal Purple Raceway in Baytown, Texas, my favorite state outside of New Yawk. I've only been to Texas once in my life, when I was in my early teens, and my family went out there for my cousin Marky's first and last rodeo appearance. I ain't one to gloat, but I'm glad Mike & Barbara got the shaft. Mike and Barbara were snooty posers in my opinion. I sure didn't like the way they thought they were so much better than Felicia and me with their so-called "scientific" formula of predicting winners. And I sure don't appreciate the way they made fun of my NY METS, or love of Billy Joel and performing Billy Joel karaoke at our local Queens tavern. I know that Felicia and me occasionally get put on probation with the Drag Racing Underground brass, 'cause of some of the, uh, "off color" remarks as they call 'em, that we make from time from time, and yeah, we've gone through several friggin' suspensions over the last two years. But I still don't see why some people have such a freakin' problem with the way we express ourselves?? I thought this was supposed to be a free country?? Whatever, whatever. And yeah, as most of you have probably already guessed, I'm still very upset about the New Yawk Mets loss to the Marlins. That really hurt me. I'm always on an emotional roller coaster as I follow the drama of my favorite baseball team in all da world. Anyways, whatever, whatever. Pull up a chair and read what me and Felicia got to say to youse 'bout the NHRA drag racing in Texas this weekend!
Felicia: Right on, Franky, you gorgeous hunk of a man! I thoughts you sez you wasn't gonna talk about the New Yawk Mets? I know you promised that you wasn't going to talk about The Mets as much this season, like ya did last season! Drag Racing Underground will be gettin' lots of emails again from all the people complaining about you talkin' 'bout the Mets on this DRAG RACING web page! And I thinks you're right to be dissing Mike & Barbara. I heard they made jokes to the Drag Racing Underground bosses about our Queens New Yawk accents too. The nerve of them hooty tooty snobs. I'm happy that Drag Racing Underground dropped the idea of alternating from race to race between using us and them snooty highfalutin creeps. My Top Fuel pick for the SpringNationals is Antron Brown. He secured his third Top Fuel World Championship title last season. And I like the guy 'cause he's originally one of dem Joisey boys!
Franky: No way is Antron Brown gonna win in Baytown, Texas this weekend. And I don't mean any offense to all the Antron Brown fans out there in cyberland, but give me a friggin' break. I'm going with Doug Kalitta and his team's Mac Tools dragster. He's got the goods to make it two SpringNationals wins in a row. Doug dominated this race in 2016 and expect the same for 2017. I'm predicting that Doug Kalitta and his crew are gonna dispense some serious whoop ass on the Baytown field!
Felicia: That sounds corny, Franky. It don't sound like you, using that old tired 'whoop ass' expression?? I thinks maybe you're being coached what to say again by that cockeyed blowhard cousin Enzo of yours from Jersey?!? Gee whiz... I thinks your desire to pick Doug Kalitta 'cause he won this race last season is slightly blinding your prognostication skills from making a better prediction this week. I know Doug's fierce out of the gate, and plays tough, however, I don't thinks he'll win the SringNats, if he does win, I'll buy you one of those Texas bucking bull video simulators like they got in the corner bodega. How's that suit ya, Franky?!? My Funny Car pick is for Ron Capps. Ron "Flappin' Gums" Capps finally won a championship in 2016. I thinks he's gonna also wiggle his way to winning the 2017 championship. I gots that feeling in my belly that Capps and the NAPA crew are gonna get the job done, unless of course, that feeling in my belly is from last night's funky onion dip at our Billy Joel Queens NY chapter fan club party??
Franky: Fugget about Ron "Flappin' Gums" Capps, he's not the racer I see making headlines this weekend. I respect the guy, but the SpringNats ain't gonna be his race by any stretch of your overactive imagination, my fragrant Felicia. My crystal ball is zooming in on the face of that super cute Courtney Force again. She's gonna unleash on the competition and give 'em a pounding with her Advance Auto Parts backed Camaro SS! Don't forget that she's the winningest female flopper pilot in NHRA history. When she keeps her car straight and hard, she has the potential to go rounds and make it all the way to the winners' circle. ALSO let's not discount the fact that she won this race last year! Sure, I get called a "fanboy" 'cause of my support for the super-funded Force sisters. But I don't care. I gots thick skin just like my hero Billy Joel. I'm predicting Courtney's' bark to be just as vicious as her bite and that she'll be making some Funny Car history this weekend!
Felicia: Ya know, I hates to say dis, Franky, but I just don't thinks Courtney is going to be all that for this coming Texas event. Sorry 'bout dat-- And I thinks you got that whole bite and bark thing backwards... Ya know, I get a lot of flack from many of you readers about me always talkin' 'bout myself, likes I ain't supposed to talk about myself?!? Geeeez, what kinda fun can a gal have if she ain't talkin' 'bout herself?!? Many of you smarty pants complain about me to management, 'cause you thinks I'm nothin' but a crazy bird from Queens. Whatever... For this weekend's race of the early NHRA 2017 season, I'm making me a smart, safe and sane pick in Pro Stock. I say that Greg Anderson at the wheel of his Summit Racing Equipment sponsored Camaro is destined to close the doorslammin' deal this Sunday. Greg Anderson has shown the world that he knows how to give the rest of the fast factory hot rods a hard time. And much like you, Franky, on this one I'm the one going with a racer who won this event last season. I thinks Greg and his team are gonna be unstoppable in Texas. I believe that Anderson and his Camaro are gonna turn on the heavy, honeybuns!
Franky: I don't agree, sweetcakes. I thinks you're delusional with that Pro Stock pick. I realize that Greg Anderson is one tough doorslammin' guy, but I'm just not feelin' him as hitting a winning note in Baytown. Once again, I'm stickin' to my guns, staying loyal, and betting all my jollyrocks on Erica Enders. I know that she wasn't exactly setting the world on fire last season, but I still gots to believe that she's gonna be able to get her old winning swagger back at the wheel of her fast Chevy Camaro brand of 'factory hot rod'-- It's so much better than the Slowpar Mopar she was campaigning last year. And yeah, I can see all the hate mail coming my way now. All the haters who call me a "fanboy" because I still root for Erica, they gets me madder than Billy Joel driving his car through a Long Island pizzeria's window!! Erica Enders is a serious racer when she's out on the track, she sort of reminds me of how you get, Felicia, when you're playing Candyland with those wise-cracking kids you're mentoring down at the Queens Borough Youth Recreation Center. You get that really intense game face of yours going on just like Erica does when she's driving.
Felicia: I hopes we did good, honey, and that Drag Racing Underground never brings snooty Mike & Barbara back.
Franky: We picked 'em, babe. 'Cause we're a couple of classy winners who know how to pick da winners.